Searching for that something that I’ll never find

Days are just flying by me like passing bees. I spend most days feeling slightly “not right”, and I think it’s a mixture of stress, illness, and worry about the shape of things to come. Oh, it’s nothing big, there’s nothing major happening, but things are going to change in September, and I have no control over part of that.

The kids will be starting school, freeing up the days in which I currently have no motivation to actually do anything, and now it’s time to start seeking something to fill the coming empty days.

I’ve been looking for jobs, and I’ve discovered something whilst doing so. The jobs are either GCSE level or post-graduate level, and there is no in-between. Talking to Alex about this, I explained how I felt, and how I feel as though, once again, I’ll end up in a call-centre, and he filled me with glittery, shiny hope by telling me to just go for anything I think I can do, and then sell myself once I’m in there. He said aiming for call-centre work was beneath my capabilities, which is right, but I’m scared I won’t be able to prove myself, and with my fading memory, I’m scared that if I do manage to prove myself, I’ll forget any new things I learn. Maybe that’s what my brain needs; new things to learn and store, it’s wilting a bit right now.

September also sees me starting my Open University course, pending available funds, therefore pending full time job, and I am excited and nervous about that too, but I desperately lack a sense of achievement, and it’s important for me to work hard and prove I can do it, to myself.

Now we have a holiday booked, things are brighter, and I am so looking forward to lying on the beach (must lose weight, must lose weight), speaking fragmented Italian and not understanding any responses, and eating prosciutto and formaggio paninis on a sun lounger.
I also cannot wait to show Venice to the kids on a day trip. I think the no cars element will fascinate them. Let’s just hope we can actually afford it when it comes around.

Today marks the start of a healthy eating regime (again! ARRGHH) for me, and I have to stick to it. I have to. I’ll be a walking heart attack waiting to happen otherwise, and I so need to drop a few stone and tone up while I’m at it.
I don’t think I’ll ever have a bikini body to die for, but at least I’ll feel more comfortable in one if it’s a better shape than the weetabix it is currently resembling.

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

Ooh, where to begin. I’ve got so much to write about from the last few days. Yesterday, I started my volunteering at a primary school. The school is lovely, the kids are great, but I’m not sure about some of the staff. They seem to do their job well, but I am not sure about how they treat their colleagues, or should I say their volunteers, who are there for free, just to see if they like it, and just to offer a helping hand. They (I say they, I actually mean me, because as far as I know, I’m the only volunteer there.) are not getting paid, they are still not CRB checked yet, but still expected on their first day there to know exactly what to do (how to do the school prayer in sign language?), and still expected to help tiny little tots get changed for PE. All well and good, but if it was my children, and there was a stranger in the class helping, I’d quite like to know who the stranger was. I would also expect that the teacher would introduce this stranger to the children; a) to avoid them being distracted in the wondering of who I was, and b) to make them feel comfortable about my presence in the classroom. NONE OF THIS HAPPENED!
Instead, I was left sitting there, unintroduced, un-spoken-a-word-to by the teachers and some of the classroom assistants, (although one of them was nice and down to earth), and unhappy! I just can’t understand why, when I’ve given up the only free day I have in the week, without the kids and without work to go to (but I still have to go to work on the evening), that they seemed so ungrateful and so mean. One of the classroom assistants was just horrible to the children, and I just feel glad that my children will not be going to that school. Well, maybe not horrible, maybe I just haven’t hardened to naughty, cheeky little 5 and 6 year olds yet. Maybe she’s an excellent classroom assistant and very good at her job, but I just caught her on a bad day. Anyway, it made me decide that I don’t want to be a classroom or teaching assistant. I want to be the actual teacher. So, because of this, I went online and registered with the Open University to do English Language and Literature in September. God knows how I’m going to afford to pay for it, I may have to defer until the February when I’ll be back into the swing of full-time work by then, but at least it’s a step in the right direction, and it’s something I have wanted to do for such a long time, and also something I know I will enjoy despite the self-discipline and hard work.

Talking of work, my own work is driving me insane. Me and my colleague have both been discussing how draining it is working evenings, and how old we feel. I am always tired, I always want to sleep in (but can’t), and I hate hate hate having to travel home on a night time. I keep telling myself “only 7 more months, then I can go back to working normal hours”, but I’ve only been doing it for 2 months (although I am 100% sure it’s been longer than that, it’s certainly felt longer), and that has dragged, and I’ve hated every minute of it, well, every minute of the travelling, not the actual job which is okay.
I just wonder when money became more important than personal safety, when did I cross that line? We do need the money, 7 months of paying 3 days of nursery fees which was double my wages put us in this mess. If only we’d have thought it through properly and checked out all of the options thoroughly before I committed them to the nursery and committed myself to my previous job. If we’d done all of that, we’d probably be okay now, even without me working – we would’ve been okay. So yes, we do need the money, but at what cost?
Basically, I can’t wait to be working daytimes again.

Oh, wedding dress news! I knew there was something. I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS! I have found a website in the US, called Dolly Couture – http://www.dollycouture.net/pb/wp_94fc7dcf/wp_94fc7dcf.html and I am sOOOOO happy! They are just like Candy Anthony dresses at like a 10th of the price, although I would still need to sort out shipping and customs taxes etc. to the UK, but check out this dress.

This is what I want, but with the black underskirts and the black sash a la Candy style! And a mere snip at just $299 ready to wear (so around about £160 ish). It means I may still need some kind of seamstress to sort out fitting it etc. but WOW-WEEEEEEE!